Lingering Reminders of TED

Lately, I have been bumping my head randomly, but not enough to be concerned but enough to be more aware of this increase in repetition. My eyes see something but my brain does not compute it in time to know it is there. As a result, the side of my head gets knocked in the doorway...again. A reminder of my thyroid eye disease (TED) days, one I am not quite sure how to process.

Whenever there is a moment where past symptoms pop up, my first feeling is frustration. I feel stupid for bumping my head. I should have been more aware of my surroundings. Why did I not process where I was in this physical space? Where was the disconnect between my brain and my eyes?

If there's a pattern of symptoms I continue to notice, I start to wonder if there is something more to this. Is it just my overthinking or could there be something wrong?

Years worrying about TED

I have spent years of my life worrying about and dealing with TED. I have put my time and effort into my health and well-being to heal from this horrible disease. I know none of that matters and my body is going to do what it's going to do. However, knowing what it is like living with this disease makes me even more relieved to be on the other side and reluctant to ever want to experience it again.

Fight or flight mode

There is a certain naivety that comes with experiencing something for the first time. I know myself better than I did when I was going through TED. I know my body and I know my eyes. I am aware of how they react to environments and situations because of TED.

I spent many years in fight-or-flight mode. How I coped with this sudden change was putting my head down to get through it. Whenever symptoms pop up or linger for a bit in my present daily life, I am reminded of the horribleness of those years and how much I do not want to go through that again.

Reflecting on TED then and now

Having TED made time blurry. The memories of those years remain foggy in my brain. It’s hard to fully explain something I am only beginning to grasp. How it flipped my life upside down with no warning.

These instances of symptoms are becoming more rare as the years go on. Which is why a trembling fear goes up my spine every time there’s a possibility of occurrence. This possibility lives in my head, it is not relevant in my reality. It takes a lot of reminding and settling to reconfigure the fear I do not typically feel from present tense to past tense.

That was then and this is now. The more aware I am of this, the faster the thought leaves my head. It is a mind meld of reminders from external objects of what used to be. How familiar that uncomfortable feeling was only for it to become foreign again once my eyes returned to normal.

Do you have any lingering reminders of thyroid eye disease? Share about them in the comments section.