Progress Meets Pain

The morning started out great. I had noticed a significant change in my left upper eyelid. My right upper eyelid had dropped down some time ago, and my left had been trying to catch up for some time. For the first time in over three years with thyroid eye disease, my left eye looked somewhat normal. Sure my eyes will never fully go back to looking the way they once did but the fact that my left eye was finally catching up to my right blew me away. I could not believe it.

With the discovery of my left upper eyelid dropping came tears. I started crying and I could not stop. The weight of how long three years really is hit me like a ton of bricks. So much time was taken up by this drastic change that was out of my control. To get to this place where my eyes were healing, something I did not know if or when would happen, was overwhelmingly joyful.

There has been a pattern with my eyes over the years when it comes to progress. With progress comes some type of pain. Healing is uncomfortable, with the swelling around my eyes shifting once again came a day filled with excruciating irritation. It has been a consistent occurrence that I should have seen coming but I did not. I had not had irritated eyes in almost four months so it was not on my mind.

An example of when progress meets pain with thyroid eye disease

I went to work on a high, knowing things with my eyes were improving. The high dropped within the hour when the irritation set in. I work at a retail store. The retail store has a lot of white light bulbs. The number one irritator that will set off my eyes like no other are white lights. They are very harsh to be under, especially with sensitive eyes.

When I have irritated eyes, I normally lay down in a dark room and wait for it to pass. But, I was at work so I could not do anything. They wouldn't stop watering because they were being triggered by the lights and the watering was causing my eyes to feel like they had tiny pebbles floating around. Because of my diagnosis with Keratoconus, I am not allowed to touch my eyes. Eye drops just make things worse when my eyes are irritated and I did not have any on me anyway.

I was in my own personal hell on an eight-hour shift as a cashier. The pebble pain would subside for a moment, only to come back with more pain. I could not look people in the eyes, I kept on looking down and away from people, it was hard to read any small print. It was an awful experience already but nothing could have prepared me for the last customer of my long day.

Holding back tears

This woman comes out with a few items. I am trying to ring the first item up. It is a sample product and it did not have a barcode. I didn’t realize it and asked her if she knew how much it was. “It’s a sample, keep up, Kelly,” she said in a sarcastic tone that I did not pick up on. I tried to apologize and say it has been a long day. “Don’t tell me what’s it’s like to have a long day...”

She babbled on, telling me about her long day and I just stood there, boiling in pain and anger. Just like a mask can hide facial expressions, it can also hide emotion. I tried to say something back to try to explain how I was feeling but I couldn’t.

My voice was filled with exhaustion and pain, barely holding back tears, which didn’t translate to this stranger who was trying to have a casual conversation with me. She did not hear what I was saying and honestly, I didn’t really understand what I was trying to say. I was just over it.

As soon as she walked away, I turned off my light, signed out, and walked to clock out. With each step I took, I was filled with guilt for how I handled it and sadness for going down a downward spiral in silence. Walking back to my car, the emotions I felt turned into a panic attack. I could not breathe.

Looking back, I wish I did not take what the woman said personally. But I have a hard time reading sarcasm from people I know and I was at the end of my fuse with the pain in my eyes.