Questioning My Reality, What a Head Game!

Being diagnosed with thyroid eye disease (TED), just naturally comes with a difficult shift in mentality. Knowing that this is a long term illness, and that it affects people differently, presents challenges and leaves me with questions.

Not only that, but I don’t want to believe it. And yet, the reality of it is, I just have to settle in and get used to this diagnosis. I have tried every level of self-talk to get this done. Am I the only one with a thick head about this diagnosis?

Dismissing the thyroid eye disease diagnosis

Even when the symptoms are there

When one of my eyes was bulging, it was so obvious there was something wrong. The constant dryness and consequent tearing and watering, made it so uncomfortable to even be awake.The redness and itching was both unsightly, and painful, as I tried to make it through my work day. There has been no logical reason to dismiss this diagnosis. And yet, I consistently do.

My eye has since made its way back into its rightful place. The inflammation has gone down, and thus it is no longer protruding. I have no way of knowing if this is temporary, or if I will one day be plagued with the burden of that symptom.

I am occasionally forced to deal with some of the other symptoms. My eyes seem to take turns being uncomfortable, dry, or itchy. There are random stabbing pains that feel like a toothpick touching the eye, but from behind, if that makes sense. And every now and then, I must work through bouts of double vision.

There are reminders everywhere, every day that I do, in fact, have thyroid eye disease. Why won’t my brain believe it?

Why am I questioning my reality?

Is it because the symptoms come and go? Is that any different than those of the common cold? And yet, when I have a common cold, I believe it.

Is it because my doctors have not been able to tie my diagnosis to anything regarding my thyroid? My symptoms have been solely involving the eyes. The doctors tell me this is atypical, but not impossible. Does this information get in the way of allowing acceptance?

Why am I unwilling to accept this diagnosis?

Since I learned the name of this disease, I have done whatever I could to learn and understand the symptoms, causes, and prognosis going forward. I have joined the ranks here on this platform, taking in the comments and writings. Working to wrap my head around this thing has been, at times, all consuming. And yet I refuse to believe I have this disease. What could that possibly mean?

It is as if I am a defiant toddler, stomping my feet and putting on my best grumpy face. Simply put, I do not WANT to have thyroid eye disease, and I have said as much through tears many times.

I even have a rule, when talking about it to anyone, I will not call it mine. I will not say things like, “MY thyroid eye disease this, or that”. I am always careful to say, “the diagnosis of." This is yet another defiant move on my part. I will not own this disease.

Is it possible that by not owning it, I believe I am not allowing it to own me?