Elephant on the Page

I am reading through my old journals and I am shocked by the absence of my thyroid eye disease (TED).

Context: My journaling habits

I did not remember this but when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s in February 2019, I did not write in a journal for 3 months. I actively avoided writing during this time. I guess I did not have anything to say or everything overwhelmed me so I just avoided it. I don’t have a clear memory.

Before I opened up my journal that I began writing in May 2018, I was convinced I was missing a journal. I was confused why 3 months had gone by without writing. Up until that point, I had been finishing a journal in 3 months. I had blocked out completely the months I chose not to write anything until I read the first entry.

Journal entries after I was diagnosed with TED

What follows are the journal entries I wrote that mentioned my thyroid and TED, which as you will notice, were few and far between.

November 7th, 2018

"I’ve been avoiding writing this for a while now. My thyroid isn’t happy. It’s been struggling these past couple of years. Finally reaching its limit causing me to go on medication to help my thyroid function again."

December 28th, 2018

"Today I was told I am a mystery by my doctor."

February 2nd, 2019

"It’s hard to explain when my body is off because I’m not sure if I’m overthinking this or if it’s very much happening.

But when I’m seeing this so easily without my glasses on, something is not okay.

I just want answers and solutions to my discomfort.

I will make it through this time. It’s not easy, and in fact it’s quite tough and a little terrifying not knowing what could come from this. But I must stay positive and ignore the negative when it tries to creep in."

February 27th, 2019

"I can feel my eyes sitting on my face. It’s very uncomfortable."

March 24th, 2019

"I’m wearing a hat in church, something I normally do to protect my eyes from the unknown elements. I certainly stand out in a crowd of sitting people."

July 5th, 2019

"My eyes are tired by the sun. They’re finished with the bright light."

Elephant on the page

I had a couple of longer journal entries that mentioned my thyroid journey by the facts of the situation I was dealing with. Many of which I have written on ThyroidEyeDisease.net over the last few years. However, I seem to be always writing around the subject. I was going through the wringer with this disease but you would never know it when reading my journal entries over the years.

It is as though there is an elephant on the page, like I just wanted to get through this experience and have very little proof of what I actually experienced. I was in denial about everything because I was just trying to survive the shift I was experiencing.

Choosing to write around my TED without explicitly saying how I was actually feeling was how I coped with it. There was a disconnect between my body and my emotions that I could not see until I read my thoughts and realized what was missing.

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