The Power of Patterns

When I had thyroid eye disease (TED), I would always wear a hat and sunglasses in public. This is what made me feel safe navigating life while my reality was unbalanced. Then my TED switched into the inactive phase and my symptoms went away. I felt relieved to no longer rely on my sunglasses and hat for comfort. Lately, I have reverted back to wearing sunglasses and a hat in public even though I no longer have TED.

Why this became my uniform

Wearing at baseball hat and sunglasses allowed me to walk through life while having TED. My world was very small during this time, barely leaving the house. But when I did venture out, I knew what would protect my vulnerable eyes from the outside.

My eyes hated light, especially white light. Most stores have intense white light. I would quickly become be very miserable when exposed to the harsh glare, I would tear up and that would be the end of my outing. I would have to get what I needed and drive home. Hiding away in my bedroom with the blinds closed, waiting for relief to come.

For years, I would wear this uniform everywhere. Didn’t matter where I was going, the two consistents in my life were my hat and sunglasses.

Comfort with thyroid eye disease and without it

It wasn’t a conscious choice to start doing this again. I just put on a hat and sunglasses one morning when leaving the house. Then I did it again the following day. This kept on happening for weeks. I didn’t think about it. It just became my uniform again years after of being relieved to give it up.

Then one day, I looked in the mirror before leaving and thought, why am I doing this? My eyes are fine. They can handle light and unknown spaces. I am very fortunate to not have lingering side effects of this awful disease.

I didn’t linger on it long. The answer only came later on.

I am doing this because this is what I do when my life feels unbalanced. I return to what gives me comfort.

The power of patterns

When patterns form, at least for me, feelings attach to whatever actions I did at a certain time. I don’t have health problems at the moment. I knocked on wood after writing this because who knows what I don’t know. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Having TED set me back a few years. A good portion of my 20s was spent dealing with TED. Going to doctors and trying anything to relieve what I was feeling with very little results. Then the pandemic hit and that continued to set me back while my eyes healed.

I look at people in their 20s who have life figured out more than I do. I understand that’s just my interpretation of their lives, not everyone has things figured out. Then I remember while they were making moves in their lives, I was dealing with medical stuff.

It’s not fair to me to compare someone’s journey to mine when I am on my own path. I just have to continue along at my own pace, wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses because I choose to, not because I need to.